[THEY DON'T.]
[ONE year later, CELES regains CONSCIOUSNESS.]
Where am I? What happened? What time is it? Is Quebec still part of Canada?
You were in a coma, which is apparently what happens when you fall from floating continents. I've been caring for you all this time, hoping you would one day wake up.
My god, Cid.
I know, but it's not like I had anything better to do.
I'm really glad you've recovered; we only have one bed and now I'm dying.
What?!
Whether or not I live depends entirely on you, Celes!
No pressure.
[CELES tries to SAVE CID's LIFE.]
You call that a fish? When I was your age, we had to catch our fish from dawn 'til dusk! With no shoes! And the ocean was uphill -- both ways!
...
Aren't you going to catch more? What are you, lazy? You've been asleep for a year; it's time to start pulling your weight.
... ... ...
[CID DIES.]
There must be a way off this stupid island.
I know! I'll attempt suicide and have a revelation about the importance of relationships in the process. Maybe cling to the vague hope that Locke is alive out there, waiting for me and not spelunking for a cure for Rachel.
[CELES JUMPS OFF A CLIFF.]
Fuck, that hurt.
But it worked! I'm now ready to take on this sorry excuse for a world, on a sorry excuse for a raft!
Good thing, too, because talking to myself is really weird. I need some party members.
[CELES sails out to FIND some PARTY MEMBERS.]
Thank god you're here! Kefka fired his light of judgment into that house! Save the child inside!
Man, what did you all do while I was in a coma?
Hey, Celes, long time no see!
Are...
Are you holding up a house?
Yup!
How?
No time for explanations!
[CELES RESCUES a CHILD.]
I guess I'll join your party again. I've had it with Kefka shooting his laser off whenever he's bored.
If they're so tired of being lasered, why don't they just move?
You see, there is your Imperial elitism again! It's not that simple.
Ugh, whatever. Let's find someone else.
[CELES and SABIN head to MOBLIZ.]
I have become a mother!
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT LOVE IS, I MEAN REALLY NOW.
Mommy, there's someone named Humbaba here to see you.
Stay inside so you don't see Mommy suck.
[TERRA SUCKS. SERIOUSLY, Solar Plexus does like 1,000+DMG on her. CELES and SABIN save the day.]
Wow, um.
We actually came to ask you to come with us, but.
You kind of suck.
We'll, uh, let ourselves out.
[CELES and SABIN head to NIKEAH.]
There are thieves in the pub!
Locke?!
Too soon.
Hey, you look familiar! Who are you?
SOMEONE WHO IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT EDGAR
But someone call Heaven and tell them an angel is missing.
We should follow Edgar.
Yeah.
[CELES and SABIN follow "GERARD" and his thieves all the way to FIGARO CASTLE. It is INFESTED with MONSTERS, for some reason.]
Celes, come wrestle these tentacles with me!
I'm pretty sure that wasn't a come-on.
I just want everyone to realize that we are fighting gigantic tentacles that actually grab us and absorb our energy.
I NEED AN ADULT
[The PARTY VANQUISHES the TENTACLES.]
Well, that was stupid.
Now we can tunnel with Figaro Castle again!
The third and final time it is of any use!
It's no wonder I moved out.
[The PARTY heads to KOHLINGEN.]
For Locke?
Too soon.
Hi, are you here to wallow in your own misery, too?
I've discovered that life without an airship is much like being poor -- which is to say I'd much rather be dead.
I tried suicide, already, and have found that beating the shit out of Kefka is a lot more enjoyable.
... Then I guess we should get another airship.
[The PARTY heads to DARILL'S TOMB.]
You had a tomb built for your dead girlfriend and her airship?
Yes.
That is huge, and infested with monsters, and only became accessible after the Cataclysm?
Yes.
How?
No time for explanations!
[The PARTY fights DULLAHAN.]
I can use Runic!
For the third and final time it's of any use!
And you wonder why Locke isn't around.
[The PARTY takes off on the FALCON, which is one of the GREATEST SCENES in the GAME.]
Well, we have an airship, so we can go attack Kefka's Tower.
ROCK ON
Guys, wait! We can't go yet!
Why not? It's a MPB dungeon, and we even have an extra person, since you found Sabin right away.
No, we have to find our friends and give them all closure! To go on without them would subvert the point of the entire game!
What...
What is the point of this game, exactly?
RELATIONSHIPS
Oh, right.
Also, I guess not getting everyone will make the fantastic ending really fucking boring.
[The PARTY goes BACK to MOBLIZ.]
Two of my kids are going to be parents, and I'm not sure what to do.
YOU COULD FIGHT ME!
... I guess?
[TERRA fights to SAVE her CHILDREN. In the PROCESS, she LEARNS what LOVE FEELS LIKE.]
I was hoping to get laid, to be honest.
Rejoin the party and that can be arranged.
[The PARTY travels to the VELDT.]
We're here to collect our two losers, anybody seen 'em?
Uauuu!
That's one.
X.x
There we go.
[SHADOW LEAVES. UNFORTUNATELY, GAU DOES NOT.]
We're still missing some party members. Come on, people, hustle. We have a lot of level-whoring to do.
And loosed demons to kill, according to our trip itinerary.
And final special moves to learn. That's what we get for taking a sabbatical.
[The PARTY heads to JIDOOR. OWZER's house is FUCKED UP.]
What is even going on in here?
I miss being rich and nonsensical.
Guys, help me! The painting I'm making, it's alive!
Well, yeah. Isn't that what you do?
Yeah, but this one is really alive!
Yes, but we thought--
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME.
[The PARTY fights a POSSESSED PAINTING. GOD, I KNOW.]
Now that I'm back in your party, you can recruit my grandfather again!
I can't even contain my excitement.
[The PARTY heads to NARSHE.]
Says here only a treasure hunter could pick the locks in this place.
Locke?
God, you guys, can we just go to the Phoenix Cave and get him so she'll shut up?
[The PARTY finds MOG.]
I can't believe you neglected to recruit me in the World of Balance!
Now, Mog, there is a perfectly good reason why we didn't, and Sabin is going to explain it.
No one likes you.
But having me nets you the best bruiser!
LEAD THE WAY
[The PARTY finds UMARO. UMARO can ATTACK by THROWING ALLIES AT ENEMIES.]
GUUUUUUUUUUUH
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
[The PARTY heads to the COLISEUM.]
If we defeat Shadow, he'll join us permanently.
Wait just a second.
Why do we want Shadow?
Just get him.
[The PARTY heads to SOME MOUNTAIN, finding a HOME FULL of SILK FLOWERS.]
How dost thou like mine humble mountainous abode?
good god
He's finally lost it.
Cyan, come with us. We know you're still hurting over your family, but we can help you work through it. All of us have had to suffer knowing someone close to us died, and we were powerless to prevent it.
Yes. Powerless.
[The PARTY heads to the PHOENIX CAVE.]
Hey, good job! You followed all the clues and tracked me down.
What clues?
I'm just playing with the notions of life and death, I'll be done in a sec.
So you... were spelunking for a cure for Rachel?
Yeah, what'd you think I was doing?
Oh, um, well... maybelookingforme.
What was that?
I said you're an asshole.
[The PARTY travels the WORLD to give its members VARIOUS DEGREES OF CLOSURE.]
I'm pretty dead. My advice is you find another girlfriend. Also self-respect, etc.
You mean after all this, you are dumping me?
Hey guys, check the bling I looted from the Phoenix Cave.
[The PARTY heads to DOMA to SLEEP. It has REALLY NICE PILLOWS.]
Time hath done little t'soothe mine paine. Elayne! Owain! Why hast ye gone into the Abyss?!
Perhaps this twisted, crude shoutout to the Three Stooges will help us all gloss over this tragedy.
... Aye, 'tis sufficient.
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE CYAN BACK
That's fine.
YOU CAN ALSO NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE UNTIL YOU DEFEAT ME
Motherfuckerrrrrr
It's cool, you guys, let's just cast Vanish and X-zone.
... You don't have Vanish and X-zone, do you?
... Well, then we'll have to kill each other.
[The PARTY heads to DUNCAN's HOUSE.]
Sabin, you big lout! How about an ultimate special move?
Oh my god, it's Banon.
... No, I'm the greatest martial arts master in the world.
Banon, how'd you survive the Cataclysm with your pitiful defense stats?
... Anyway, Sabin--
Is now a good time to mention that I killed your son?
Vargas? He was a dick. From now on, all my eggs are in one basket, so you'd better kill Kefka.
Er.
Now, follow my lead: AABBXXYYSelect+Start!
I'm beginning to think my entire training regimen has been an elaborate farce.
[The PARTY goes to an INN.]
Can we do my sidequest now?
What do we have to do?
Sleep.
A lot.
... What kind of assassin are you?
[The PARTY heads to the VELDT.]
I had a son once. It was evil, so I tossed it into a herd of monsters.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. By the way, are you the repairman?
Gau, this kook must be your father! Let's pimp you up and show him how civilized you are.
Why?
BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WE DO, THAT'S WHY.
Uauuu.
I had a son once. He'd be about your age, and evil. He also killed his mother. Children like that deserve to be abandoned.
AABBXXYYSELECT+START
[The PARTY heads to THAMASA and meet a WOUNDED MAN.]
Gungho! My god, man, what happened to you?
Remember Hidon, that beast we hunted in our youth and could never defeat?
Yes?
Well, turns out it isn't any easier when you're seventy.
Well, I'm seventy-one, so I'm marching right over there and giving Hidon a good what-for.
You're mad! Although that would be a great confidence-booster, in addition to giving you closure about something that happened fifty years ago. Funny, that.
Also, you can take three able-bodied young party members with you.
... Well.
That's sort of cheating.
Hey, do you want some real wounds, you poser?
I'll be good.
[The PARTY defeats HIDON.]
Wasn't that fun? What's next?
We could head to Triangle Island and be swallowed by a giant anus?
Sounds like a lark!
[The PARTY heads to TRIANGLE ISLAND, and is SWALLOWED by a GIANT ANUS.]
You know, I don't find anything we do odd, anymore.
You know, I don't find anything we do odd, anymore.
Huh?
Huh?
Who are you?
Who are you?
Oh, why not? What's one more weirdo?
[GOGO joins the PARTY, which somehow ESCAPES from the GIANT ANUS.]
And then we had a bunch of other wacky adventures, and slew many enemies!
I said "slew," right?
I think now's a good time to attack Kefka's Tower, before everyone gets bored.
To be honest, I stopped paying attention after my Sidequest of Closure.
That was weeks ago!
I know.
[The PARTY splits into THREE GROUPS to FINISH THE GAME. Only 12 of 14 MEMBERS can GO. Guess which two get left behind? No, go on, guess.]
Uwoooooo....
You ungrateful bastards. What will you do when you need someone to knife you in the back, huh? What will you do.
[The PARTY works together to CLEAR the DUNGEON. This includes fighting a BUNCH of BOSSES.]
DEATH TO ALL HUMANS!
Ha! Nice try, but we are now about fifty levels higher.
[The PARTY CONFRONTS KEFKA. BUT ONLY AFTER THEY CONFRONT THESE GUYS. JESUS CHRIST.]
A GOD AM I
Definitely crazier.
I DON'T NEED MASCARA ANYMORE
The moral of the story is: a myriad of relationships builds the world and gives us strength to overcome adversity.
Also, "Dancing Mad" is a fucking cool song.
[DANCING MAD really is a fucking cool song. Accept no substitutes. The FINAL BOSS BATTLE is AMAZING and COMPLEX and you H8RS JUST DON'T GET IT.]
Urk... as -- as long as there is evil in this world--
Wrong game.
Then... I'll be dying now, and taking magic with me. SUCK ON THAT, TERRA.
MOTHERFUCKERRRR
Also my Tower will collapse.
GODDAMN IT
[The PARTY proceeds to ESCAPE the TOWER, engaging in HIJINKS along the WAY. Provided you remembered to pick everyone up. If you didn't, it's all really boring. REGARDLESS, the only important scene is TERRA's.]
Looks like I'm going to die.
Actually, you may be able to live as a human, due to the fact that you have discovered love, and have a strong attachment to something in this world.
I knew that was the most important part of this game.
[The PARTY ESCAPES the TOWER in a SERIES of COMICAL, HEARTWARMING SCENES. MAGIC and MAGICITE DISAPPEAR. The PARTY flies around the WORLD CELEBRATING their VICTORY. LOOK, I'LL BE HONEST: there is no way to sum up the EXTREME AWESOME PERFECTION that is FFVI's ENDING. SORRY.]
But if you don't know how to adequately summarize the ending, how do you end it?
... Anyone?
... Hello?
Hello?
